Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
