You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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