i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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