omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Im part way to drunk.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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