I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
