You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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