sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
