they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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