Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
