For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
