My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
