I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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