I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
