i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
