and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i love accidental penises.
My balls are so social today.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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