Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
