Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
