my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
