what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
