I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize