I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
