I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
