nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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