I heard we made out
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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