i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
