did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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