gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
