Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
