Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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