oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
