I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
