we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
