after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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