I've blown a few things in my day
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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