doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
