did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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