On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
