Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
