My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
