I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize