So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
