brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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