i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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