You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
