Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
