god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
