So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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