Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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