They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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