I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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