it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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