I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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