I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
