there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just want nice things and good sex
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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