Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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