I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
