Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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