Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
