I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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