Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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