Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
