I am puke
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
