took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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