I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
