i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
