this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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