I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
