yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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