my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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