just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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