I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
