Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
