dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
