I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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