tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
